this girl’s a silhouette, can't you see?

It’s weird. 

I’ll look at a job vacancy, and think, I could do that. 

But then I think… can I?

And I don’t know what I want - I’m looking at ANY job at the moment. Many being administration assistants or retail positions… 

Then I think, what will people say? I graduated as a primary teacher. ‘What do you do?” “I’m a cashier and inventory clerk at a computer store”? or “I’m a receptionist for an Optometrist”?

But then, I shouldn’t feel limited in what job I apply for, limited by what others will think and say. But I know my family expects me to USE my degree…. 

Also, when I apply… ‘it says here you’re a primary teacher graduate… why are you applying here?” what do I say? Cos I couldn’t handle full time teaching? I’m sure that would go down well. 

It’s also frustrating… a few of the jobs I’m looking at have as a requirement “a track record in successful sales”… I’ve been working with kids for 5 years. How am I going to have a record in sales? Grrr. 

Though, there’s a position going at a girls boarding school for a learning support teacher, that seems quite perfect. I’m really kinda kicking myself for not doing more special needs electives and stuff… but I have heaps of experience with SEUs

Mmmm. And it’s been forever since I’ve had a job interview. I’m keep kinda hoping that someone I know will just turn around and say “hey! I have this job I need filled, you’d be perfect, could you do it?” [Like Sarah, except for in Toowoomba ;)] Mmmmmmm. 

I have a few days at vacation care this week. I’m mostly going to keep my ears out to hear of their need for relief teachers… I’m really only going to take relief days at the school if they come to me and express that they need relief teachers and ask me to do it. [does that sounds proud? ugh, it’s not meant to be. I just really am battling with myself - I don’t want to do it, but the money is good, and I’d feel guilty if I didn’t, plus I have good rapport with the school, so if they ask, I won’t be able to say no.]

sigh. 

• A grade 1 girl who was upset because she was playing ‘chipettes’ [you know, the girl chipmunks] with two other girls, and she cried because she didn’t want to be “the fat one”. I died a little inside and tried to explain that being different didn’t make her worse, that it’s ok to not be skinny….
• A grade 3 boy, who burst into tears as he confessed to me that he was ‘stupid at reading’. He is new to the vacation care and doesn’t attend the school, and doesn’t make friends very easily. Conversations with him earlier revealed he was very clever, very engaging, and very self-aware. But he broke down while talking to me, saying he was stupid, he read at the lowest level in his class and his father thinks he’s dumb It completely broke my heart. HE’S 8 YEARS OLD. Damn. I told him that even though I’d just met him, I could tell he was SO CLEVER, and how he doesn’t have to read perfect to be successful and do what he loves, and that just because he’s dyslexic [he’d mentioned earlier] doesn’t mean he’s stupid, and that he’s so smart in other important areas, and everyone is good at some things and bad at other things. And then I hugged him. [I love working in a Christian School where you can appropriately hug kids that are upset]. 
• A prep boy announcing proudly that he has his own mobile phone. I asked him what he did with it. “Oh, just text my friends” I asked if his friends had phones. “Oh… I call their mums and talk to them”. Then he went on to tell me that he has his own computer and his own DS and his own desk, but they’re buying a new one this weekend… He’s an only child. Who had a temper tantrum because one girl was playing with one car [out of about 5 really good hot wheels cars] but it was the one he wanted. What does a 5 year old need their own mobile for?
• I just don’t know. But my heart was torn about 10 different ways today. 

I was walking through school on my way down through the highschool to the OSHC block, and I passed a group of teenagers. To my surprise, I heard coming from the group… “Back to witches and wizards and magical beasts…”

I squealed in my head and grinned like a fool. It made my day. 

Yeah. it was that bad.

I left home in a terrible mood, and had one of my lessons observed by the Deputy principal of the school, who knows everything about everything when it comes to getting work as a teacher in my state, and has incredibly high standards for the teachers (and prac teachers) in her school.

I had a pretty good lesson in the morning, ran smoothly enough. Then after morning tea, she came to watch me teach “circles” and everything was just horrible. Even the good kids were totally distracted - where I could usually hold majority of the class’ attention, they were all over the place, and not paying attention to me at all. I tried my hardest to present the lesson well, trying to cover all the behaviour management she’d be looking for, as well as communicate the content… and it was all miserably a disaster.

We got through it, but by the time it was all under control, she’d received a phone call, and left.

My mentor teacher and I talked through the whole thing, each place I went wrong, what I forgot, or what I should/could have done. And he was totally lovely about the whole thing. but by the end of our conversation, I was in tears. I was so frustrated. My big chance to prove myself, and I choked. I had a list of things in my head i was going to try NOT to do, and I did every one. the content came across in the dullest and most uninteresting way, because I was so concerned about getting the message across, and the activity completed, and the behaviour managed, that I forgot to put a challenge and excitement into the lesson… vital for preppies!

Oh gosh, I just don’t know what happened. it was a disaster, and now the deputy thinks I’m incompetent, she’ll pass on lukewarm feedback to my uni liason, and I’ll get drilled by her tomorrow, and all I really need right now is some affirmation that I’m NOT a terrible teacher, that I’m not a failure. because right now, compared to what I know I’m capable of, that’s how I feel. I’m not bad at this. just sometimes I get distracted by what I think should happen, and concerned about impressing people and i forget to consider something important.

I’m frustrated because I feel like my mentor should have said something about all the things I should be considering before now. I’ve taught lessons, and was in charge all day yesterday, and while he’s been giving me small tidbits of feedback after each, I just felt like i was totally unprepared for today. Afterwards he says “you should have done this, and this. and used this. and said this. and moved here. and said that… etc etc” and I’m like… ok. firstly, I cannot master 100 things at once. secondly, I was hardly even aware that half those things were an option in this context. We’d been through the lesson together. We planned it together, and he had plenty of imput… but failed to mention a number of things. Maybe he’d just assumed I’d know. Maybe I’m the failure. Maybe those things are so simple and obvious that it’s really stupid of me not to remember to do them. 

Anyway. another lesson tomorrow. At least there’s a lot of mother’s day craft to do, so not too many real lessons. I’ve invited the deputy to a lesson tomorrow also, and while I hope that she doesn’t come, I also hope she does, and sees me NOT fail at least once.

Oh, i’m so ready to not be doing this any more. And I”m only just past half way for this prac. *cries*

I spent all day with my inlaws at a rainforest. It was lovely, and fun, and crazy, and beautiful.

However now I’m incredibly tired and have 101 things to do for school tomorrow. truth.

namely

• write two lessons to hand in to the deputy and invite her to come view them
• write up other lessons for tomorrow ready to teach them during the day
• cut out the corners of the mothers day cards
• punch holes in the bookmarks
• make more beads
• write up and print out a new program
• write a review of my last week at school, and reflection

Before school tomorrow.

And i’m deadset exhausted :(

And all I want to do is post pictures from today.

One of the Aspergers kids at Vacation Care snapped. Hit another kid in the back of the head with a Wii remote. Tried to run into the other room (where there’s heaps of stuff that could be picked up and thrown… which he has a reputation for) so I held on to him, just around the hand, to keep him safe, and keep the 13 other kids there safe too. My assistants took the other kids out to the oval for a run (which was what they were on their way to do anyway) while I tried to work out what to do with this kid. I knew if I let go, he’d run away/throw things/hit other kids/destroy stuff. So I held him until he’d tell me where he was going to go.

I was hoping that sitting and getting him to think would calm him down a bit at least. but he just flipped. I have scratches all over my arms, and a little sore on my hand where he pinched so hard it drew blood. Didn’t feel any of it at the time, too much adrenaline, and I couldn’t let him see he had power over me. (he’s only about 10yo).

I kinda picked him up, lead him outside, and let him go, calmly, gently, suggesting that he have some time alone to cool down. He ran away. He kicked bins over. He ran back inside, grabbed a chair, and threw it. He went upstairs, found a water bottle, and tried to throw it at me. I shrugged calmly, let him go (as long as I could see him) and followed him as he walked and ran around the school, at a distance, so as not to look threatening. Called his Dad, voice mail. My boss popped in to drop some stuff off - perfect timing! she had no affect on him either, but she gave me some relief. She called his Mum, voicemail. Called the head of primary, he’s not a school today. Kid almost throws a chair at a curious little preppie who is trying to work out what is going on. Dad comes and takes him. Phew.

What a day. Poor kid. I don’t even blame him. It was his first day back (first day is always worst), he didn’t have his DS (which works miracles as a cool-down tool), was dropped off by his mum (he was worse mornings with her), both assistants were new, and he hadn’t met them before, there were a bunch of new kids, AND it was raining, so the program wasn’t as structured as usual, AND he couldn’t run around outside.

and yaaayyyy… he’ll be in every day this week. He’s a darling kid, but such a handful.