this girl’s a silhouette, can't you see?
{ wear }
There are things for which I am not equipped. One day, I might well be. Today is not that day. But I am working on it, even if it doesn’t appear that way.
Every time I start making progress with my self esteem and self worth, something knocks me back and I remember that I do actually suck and I’m better off not being part of people’s lives…
What does that say about me?
Edit: the question is rhetorical. And facts are facts regardless of the situations and how I choose to feel.
Coming to the realisation that I need to really kick this negative self-talk.
Which is much easier said than done.
But I think this week, I’ll start with practicing Mindfulness while I walk to work, and maybe look up some yoga.
And back on the healthy and disciplined eating.
Maybe some affirming statements to get me prepared for the day.
Should make for a good start.
In discussing negative thinking, this article outlines four unhelpful thinking styles in social phobias…
- Mind reading – Assuming you know what other people are thinking, and that they see you in the same negative way that you see yourself.
- Fortune telling – Predicting the future, usually while assuming the worst will happen. You just “know” that things will go horribly, so you’re already anxious before you’re even in the situation.
- Catastrophizing – Blowing things out of proportion. If people notice that you’re nervous, it will be “awful,” “terrible,” or “disastrous.”
- Personalizing – Assuming that people are focusing on you in a negative way or that what’s going on with other people has to do with you.
And just, well, crap. I do ALL of those ALL the time.
This, well, this explains a lot. Yikes.
That the strong, sexy, independent, re-invented Lara has apparently gone on holiday, leaving insecure, unsure and distracted Lara to manage things.
This is not ok.
How is it that after this long, and after coming so far both physically and emotionally, this is a thing that can still happen.
Insecure Lara is old news. Re-invented Lara - while still very flawed - is where it’s at… so where has she gone?
Why is it so hard to keep good habits that are so much better for your life in general?
These are the questions that keep me up at night.
With Tumblr, that is.
Or, you know, housework.
Or my long distance friends.
Oops.
Internet is still shady here… waiting to see what happens with the boy as to what proper internet we/I set up. And my data is up until the end of the month.
I love my new job, I hope I continue to love it.
Miss Minerva’s is on hold for the time being until I can get back into updating regularly online. I need to keep setting my sights on her future, though, to keep motivated and moving in that direction.
Still cosplaying and costuming :P
Trying to get a cleaning schedule so I can keep my flat tidy.
I’m also out of tv shows to watch and that’s just TRAGIC.
Wow. Blown away by relevance.
I actually cannot wait to get proper Internet on the computer.
It’s been good to have a bit of a break from wasting time online, but tumblr is a place for my thoughts, and I’ve been having so. many. lately.
My life has changed so much and I’m still so unsure of how I feel about everything. Ugh.
I need focus and motivation and clarity and understanding and direction.
I’m not ok, but that’s ok.
