this girl’s a silhouette, can't you see?

Every time I start making progress with my self esteem and self worth, something knocks me back and I remember that I do actually suck and I’m better off not being part of people’s lives…

What does that say about me?

That the strong, sexy, independent, re-invented Lara has apparently gone on holiday, leaving insecure, unsure and distracted Lara to manage things. 

This is not ok. 

How is it that after this long, and after coming so far both physically and emotionally, this is a thing that can still happen. 

Insecure Lara is old news. Re-invented Lara - while still very flawed - is where it’s at… so where has she gone? 

Why is it so hard to keep good habits that are so much better for your life in general? 

These are the questions that keep me up at night. 

With Tumblr, that is. 

Or, you know, housework. 

Or my long distance friends. 

Oops. 

Internet is still shady here… waiting to see what happens with the boy as to what proper internet we/I set up. And my data is up until the end of the month.

I love my new job, I hope I continue to love it. 

Miss Minerva’s is on hold for the time being until I can get back into updating regularly online. I need to keep setting my sights on her future, though, to keep motivated and moving in that direction. 

Still cosplaying and costuming :P

Trying to get a cleaning schedule so I can keep my flat tidy. 

I’m also out of tv shows to watch and that’s just TRAGIC. 

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Step 1 - shower, get dressed for an interview

Step 2 - go down to the Salvation Army employment centre, print off my childcare resume

Step 3 - get really lost and swear far too much because the roads are rubbish

Step 4 - have an amazingly positive interview at a childcare centre

Step 5 - feeling great, go home, call counselor to make an appt to talk about anxiety and relationship stuff next month (should have been sooner but I panicked when he asked me to pick a date :P)

Step 6 - as i’m hanging up, get another call from the job I missed out on last week…

Step 7 - GET OFFERED SAID JOB because the girl they originally went with didn’t work out. 

AHH. 

So I don’t find out much more until I meet the manager again on Friday, but YES, it would seem I have a job. 

And now, I’m reluctant to try to do anything else in case I spoil my wonderful day, but at the same time I want to capitalise my good mood and get ALL THE THINGS done!

I just can’t even with all the good news today. So stoked, praying that things stay as positive as they are right now :D

I actually cannot wait to get proper Internet on the computer.

It’s been good to have a bit of a break from wasting time online, but tumblr is a place for my thoughts, and I’ve been having so. many. lately.

My life has changed so much and I’m still so unsure of how I feel about everything. Ugh.

I need focus and motivation and clarity and understanding and direction.

I’m not ok, but that’s ok.

That was the most intense interview I think I’ve EVER had. 

I feel positive about how it went though, which is pretty huge for me (because I very rarely feel positive in regards to how I present myself under pressure!)

There were THREE interviewers, two of them the owners, one the manager. They were all lovely but a little intimidating, sitting all around the boardroom table like that. 

And they had a hand out of questions each that one lady asked me from, and the other two took notes under each question as I answered it… talk about pressure!

But I was honest, and calm, and personable. I think I answered the questions well, and seemed to be hitting the right keywords :P Got a fair bit of positive feedback too.

Stumbled over my words a few times. I’m positive my voice sounded scared shitless, but I think i communicated myself pretty well (considering my usual nervous-communication history). 

But yes! now i have to distract myself from dwelling on it. because it’s done now, and I just pray they also think I did well! 

Yikes I want this job so much. 

My head is such a mess today.
I don’t even know where to start.